Posted in Abandonment, author, inspiration, memoir, Racism, Story, The Promise

The Shiver

What a great title for a book, The Shiver. I still get the same kind of shiver from time to time that I talk about at the beginning of my story, The Promise. They are not brought on by the same traumatic experiences of my childhood. Instead, they are brought on by the familiar circumstances that surrounded that time in my life. It could be as simple as an old song, a smell, or the situations I find myself experiencing all over again.

One of those familiarities is the racial tension we are experiencing again. It takes me right back into the halls of Stenton child center and Germantown High school where I, a white girl, found myself on the other side of the issue. Racism goes both ways, and it begins with what we are taught to believe and is reinforced by what we experience for ourselves. While I experienced what it was like to be a minority, it felt as if I was a goldfish in a tank full of black mollies. I feared they might eat me alive. The shiver comes from fear and a constant effort to survive.

However, there was a time during my stay at Stenton when we no longer saw ourselves as diffèrent. It didn’t matter what color our skin was, we shared the commonality of the situation we found ourselves in. We were kids who had been abandon by our parents. It was what we felt underneath our skin that brought us together. If we could keep all the painful outside influences away from what brought us together we found harmony in each other. How easy those outside influences can make us forget the sacredness that brings us together, and helps us see ourselves in each other.

While all the familiarity congers up painful memories for me, it also reminds me how far I have come, the lessons I’ve learned along the way, and who I have become as a result of it. If I don’t let myself learn from the worst of things I’ve experienced than everything I’ve gone through is for nothing, and all I’d be left with is an empty promise.

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Shall We Not Assume Our Post?

“The fact that I am here certainly shows me that the soul had need of an organ here. Shall I not assume the post?” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

For those of you who read my story “The Promise,” you could hear in my voice how flawed I thought I was. As a matter of fact so much so that I thought I’d falling from the heavens before God finished making me. That had to be why I was so unloveable.

Even with all the love Tom gave me, it wasn’t until I could see my own worth that I could fully accept Tom’s love. I had to see that God didn’t make a mistake with me. He made me instead very unique, like no other. So, what I compared myself to was a waste of time. Getting to know who I am has become my focus and is a lifetime job that grows as I become the soul I was created to be, my true-self. It is within this knowing that I’m able to assume my very own “post” in life, as Ralph Waldo Emerson refers to.

Is there anything more wonderful than knowing that you, as a human being, are called forth to serve a purpose all your own? And that in the post you assume as soul and body, you find your unique purpose in life.